it's what's on my mind.

home.

i feel home when i see the faces that remember my own...

i feel home

and that's just what i feel

home to me is reality, and all i need is something real.

a Penn State sunset

a sunset boat ride on the Toms River

a sunset on the Toms River

two wonderful people on a night of celebrating

the same two people on a day of celebrating and laughing

a wonderful hike in Happy Valley

Seaside Park <3 the beach of countless happy days

hands down: my two favorite people.

Jojojojojo!! :) sitting outside Madison Square Garden

with my parents in Times Square drinking the drink I need NOW!

Jor and I watching Penn State kick butt in Illinois!

do I need a caption?

my little cousin (not so little, actually!) Grace

a beautiful life.

my life has been consumed by watching reruns of felicity on the internet, writing lesson plans, teaching english classes, making new friends, and wasting time in between all of that.

needless to say, my house has been a complete mess. for the first time in a long time (since college), i don't even mind. okay, well, i didn't mind until tonight when i realized, it's getting out of hand. but back to when i didn't mind... although i love nothing more (i'm not exaggerating when i say this) than clean sheets, i went a few extra days. although i love clean floors, i think it's been over a week since i mopped them. i love when everything is in its place and organized and when i can't see dust on the light switches. i love when my cords are tightly wrapped around the appliances not in use and when my makeup is neatly lined up in its drawer. i love when i have 5 clean dish towels for backup. i love when the laundry basket isn't more than half full.

lately, i haven't cared. i want to come home, turn the lights off, light my candles, eat dark chocolate, and relax in front of a show that fills me up with hope. it makes me smile and cry. it just makes me feel good. this may seem really strange, but sometimes we need to laugh and cry and be filled with hope - no matter what it is that brings us to these emotions. sometimes we need to see the light. sometimes we need to know that we're not alone - we're not the only ones scared, worried, filled with doubt, and dreaming.

it's like that quote... the famous one from john lennon... "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." and, it's so true.

i spend so much time setting expectations and trying to meet deadlines and worrying about where my life is going and what my future has in store for me that i don't take the time to just be me. i need to stop thinking - not only about the future but about the past. actually, the past more so than the future. i need to let go. i spend so much time being angry about the past and worried about the future that i make the here and now really crappy.

i'm living in france! i live in a town that may be quieter than i am used to but it's colorful and romantic. it has history. why can't i just be happy with that? i am too busy complaining about the lack of starbucks to be happy with the delicious bakeries and the pedestrian-filled streets, and the great fortress that sits in the middle of the town. it really is incredible.

so who cares if my laundry basket is overflowing. i am living and feeling. i am so in love. i am so lucky in love. yes, he has hurt me. but i need to finally forgive and forget and move on. it seems silly but when i look at my guy (even when i am mad or pretending to be mad), i just want to hug him and get lost in his love. i know that i mean the world to him and he means the world to me.

from this moment, i am opening my eyes. i am seeing the world. i have a lot to do. i have a lot to see. i'm just getting started. and, my very best friend will be there with me.

oh, and my very best girl friend (!!!!!) asked me yesterday to be her maid of honor. so i'm just full of love. she, too, means the world to me.

i guess i really am lucky in love. sometimes in relationships going through hell isn't so bad if you come out of it a little stronger. and, i never was one for boring relationships.

tonight i've turned off felicity, turned on some beautiful music, lit my candles, and i will get this place together. and, when my guy comes home, i will tell him just how much he means to me.

wisdom

things happen to us, but it's our reactions that matter.

6 things.

There are 6 things on my mind right now.

The first thing is kind of funny. So this morning I quickly blow dried my hair. It was pretty much half dry already.  I was looking in the mirror and debating whether my short, wavy hair looked sexy or messy. I was diggin' it at the time so I thought I'd go with the look. I asked my guy what he thought, and he said, "It looks really good." Naturally, I was feeling beautiful. Usually he would be like, "It looks fine, babe" or something equally as uninterested or impartial.

I met him for lunch (meaning, to pick up our take-out that we would each eat individually as the day was crazy). He said to me, "What happened to your hair?" I was like, "OMG, what happened?" I thought maybe a bird pooped on my head or something. He said something along the lines of, "Why is it so messy?" I said, "This morning you said it looked really good." He said, "Yeah, but I thought you knew I was kidding." I guess what looked like sexy, beachy waves or borderline hot mess actually looked like a big, old hot mess. I was too tired, hungry, and busy to be concerned so I rocked the disheveled look all day without a care in the world. It doesn't bother me at all. Who really cares!! :)

The second thing on my mind is that Friday is my longest day of work. Most people are winding down and I am super, super busy. During the middle of the day, when my eyelids are drooping and I'm just so drained, I consider telling my boss it's too many hours and I can't do so many classes on Friday. Then, I get my second wind. When the day is over, I realize it wasn't that bad. I feel happy to have experienced so many wonderful conversations with people. I absolutely love when they don't look at the time and our class runs late because they enjoy being there so much. I said to one man late in the day, at a time when I was feeling really tired - "Okay. That's time. It went by so fast." And he said, "Yeah, too fast!" Maybe to him it was just a comment, but to me, it meant so much. I felt like he valued the time. I don't know. I know I always look way too much into things, but it felt so nice to hear.

The next thing on my mind is electric water heaters. Why don't we use them in the USA? All my life I have sat and waited for the teapot to whistle until now. This is seriously a revelation to me. I drank a lot of tea before, but now I drink WAY more. It takes 2 minutes to heat that water up. It's seriously incredible. I use it to get cous cous made in a flash. I use it to pre-boil my water for pasta - cutting the time of making pasta in half. Really, this baby has a million uses and I will never again live without one. I am drinking a steaming cup of green tea with mint as I write this and will continue to reheat and refill all night long.

The next thing I want to talk about it heat. When is the right time to put it on? My Dad always had this rule about November 1st. It's crazy, right!? I am a firm believer in wearing sweatpants and sweaters and wrapping yourself in a blanket (and of course, drinking hot tea) for as long as possible, but some nights, I am so tempted to turn the heat on and be all cozy and warm. However, I will suck it up.. for at least a few more weeks.

I did, however, put the heat on in the bathroom. I love that the heaters in the bathrooms double as towel warmers here. They are on the wall and have a bunch of rungs to hang your towels on. I love having a nice, hot towel. We hang our robes on there, too! To me, there is nothing worse than stepping out of your hot shower and being blasted by cold air. Now, the problem is, I want to sit on the toilet all night with my computer and my tea just to stay warm!!!

I saw on another blog that Felicity is now available on Netflix and have been watching every episode starting with season 1. I forgot about that show, but not about Kerry Russell's enviable hair. I am beginning to be a bit of a hermit now. Part of what gets me through a work day is knowing I can come home and watch Felicity all night. Last night, I even considered cancelling plans with my friend so I could watch all night. I realized that would be a big sign that I was a LOSER!!! But tonight, here I am, back at my computer and am so excited to watch Felicity until my eyes close.

My Mom sent me the cutest package recently. She sent shake 'n bake, candles, my favorite Vegan cookies, chocolate for my guy, and packs of my favorite pesto mix (as well as 2 beautiful additions to my wardrobe). Let me talk for a minute about these candles. AHHH! Fall isn't so incredible and romantic here as it is back home. I have already burned these candles down pretty far. The smell is incredible and reminds me of home. Mmm... it's so peaceful and wonderful.

Tonight, I can assure you I really won't be sitting on the toilet (well, maybe once or twice). However, I have already lit my fall candles, made my tea, and started getting Felicity ready for viewing. What a night this will be!! My guy will once again be working until forever, but who needs a man when you have Ben.... sighhhhhhh.

R.I.P. bagels.

Oh yeah! I have some bad news. Remember those 45 whole wheat everything bagels I brought back to France with me... they are officially gone! What a tragedy!! We tried so hard to make them last, but the end was inevitable. We sat together on Tuesday morning and had breakfast at 7am. We very rarely have breakfast together! We each had a bagel - the last two.

R.I.P. bagels - we are forever grateful for the 2 months you sat patiently in the freezer waiting to be devoured.

Honestly, I always prepare the bagels when we eat them. I have a routine of over to toaster or just oven (but our gas bill was a bit outrageous for the summer months so I am trying to limit my use of the oven). I knew (and knew he didn't know) that there were only two bagels left. I secretly planned to eat them both and never mention it. However, the angel on my right shoulder told me that was cruel. Although, as I watched him eat that bagel, I contemplated whether I had made the right choice.

Feel free to send bagels :) Or just come visit, but don't show up without the whole wheat everything bagels.

relaxing.

Thursday's have become the only non-hectic day in my week as well as the only day I don't have class at 8am. I usually have two classes at night, but this week - just one! It's not until 5:15 so I pretty much have the whole day to myself. It's also the night I meet my new French friend, Cyrielle, for some beverages in the old part of the town, my favorite part! There are cafes with outdoor terraces, old Irish pubs, delicious restaurants, the best creperie, war monuments, and of course, the enormous lion of Belfort. I can't wait to take my Mom here when she visits (and maybe my Aunt, too!). I have only tried two restaurants so hopefully we'll get to try a few more.

My plan for today is catching up on my favorite blogs, watching my favorite shows via the Internet, and sending a few e-mails. I want to take a long run, too. This time of year is my favorite time to run. It reminds me of the days of cross country season - going on long runs with my best friends and just gossiping and laughing and telling stories the whole time. I have so many fond memories of that time.

I know it's an opportunity to clean, too, but that's just not in the plan for today! Today is a ME day!

Ladies, if you have a man in the house, does he help with the cleaning? Does he help with the cooking? I'm wondering how people work this out. In my parents' house, it was always whoever cooks doesn't clean and vice versa. We don't have a dishwasher so cleaning isn't a 5 minute task!

What is your favorite thing to do on a day off? 

nails.

Oh, one more thing. What do you think of my nails? Like or dislike? Be honest.

(don't mind the creepy picture)

I saw the look in a magazine. I know it is different, but it was fun to do something creative. I'm getting so good at painting my nails!

life or something like it.

Monday came so quickly, but I don't mind. The week days are really the only days I get to socialize with people. Plus, I like what I do. Really, I get paid to have conversations with all different kinds of people. Sometimes, of course, I need to throw in some lessons about verbs and adverbs, but even that knowledge has slowly crept back into my repertoire. Some people have fascinating jobs, and I can just sit and listen to them talk about it for our whole session, usually losing track of time. I correct some errors with pronunciation or when they forget their irregulars verbs. I help when they can't find the right word. They eagerly write it down, repeating it and repeating it, intent on adding it to their growing English vocabulary. Others don't want to speak of work and would rather tell me about the fabulous places they have traveled, both for work and pleasure, and I sit there with my jaw dropped, lusting over one day getting to see these places. There are times when they tell me so much information that I know the inner-workings of their company. I know about the problems they have with employees. I know when someone will be fired before they do. There are a few that use me as their psychologist, explaining the issues they have with work-life balance or asking me how they should deal with an issue with their wife. I have many that enjoy talking about politics, others seem to have no clue what is going on around them. They help me to adapt to the culture by telling me the way they do things, events happening in the area, and together we compare life in our two very different countries.

I am truly blessed to have a job that stimulates my mind. I am truly blessed to have students that are eager to learn. Without a doubt, there are a select few that want to only speak French, don't study their English, and are there because their company is paying them to be there. It can be frustrating, but in time, they, too, will progress. I just want every student to get something out of being a student of mine. I want everyone's English to improve, no matter what their level. I think the hardest part about learning a language is finding the confidence to speak it. Just because you know the words doesn't mean you feel confident enough in the way you pronounce them to try to say them. Without gaining this confidence, there is no chance to practice and to progress. This is something I, myself, have trouble with but like all things, time will tell.

The brisk fall weather has finally started to grace us with its presence here. I am pulling out last year's sweaters and bundling up. I'm back to wearing scarves. I need to go into my storage in the basement and bring up the rest of my sweaters, scarves, and perhaps most essential to me now, my cold weather shoes! My little ballet flats and summery heels are cold. With this weather has come rain, and it's that cold kind of rain that leaves you feeling so raw. There's something about this kind of weather that makes me want to wear stylish layers and a little bit extra make-up. Summer always involves light clothing, naturally bronzed skin, barely-there make-up, and casual hair. When falls comes, I want to be more creative with my look and feel fashion-forward (if it's possible)!

This year my guy and I have a big goal - paying back our college loans. We want to use our extra money to get those out of the way, rather than buying new clothes or traveling. We both love having new things and feeling stylish so this isn't easy for us. As I pass by the windows and see beautiful clothing with styles so fresh, I am craving some new pieces. My shoes from last year look worn and tired, but it's ok. I went through my clothes yesterday. I reorganized everything. Sometimes when you do that, you realize how much you do have; and don't take pity on my lack of buying, because I certainly don't have a lack of clothing. In fact, I have so much that my only real problem is where to put everything.

I decided I can still wear some of my summer dresses if I wear them with a blazer and tights. I can pair things in new ways. AND, a huge help to me right now is that I can wear jeans to work. I absolutely love this. My last job had me dressing like a grandma. I wasn't allowed to wear heels as my office was in a kitchen. It makes it so much easier when I can wear casual clothing. Of course, I can dress up when I want, but it's so much more fun to be in jeans and heels than trousers, button-ups, and flats (plus, I don't have to iron everyday!).

All in all, life is good (a bit lonely at times) but things are definitely looking up. I went out for coffee with my first French friend last Thursday night. We talked - sometimes in French, sometimes in English - for hours. We had so much to say, so much to learn about each other. We joked. We talked about serious things. We talked about our families and our guys. We talked about traveling. Heck, we talked about everything, and it was so nice. We scheduled our Thursday nights as a new, permanent date night (both adding this to our agendas immediately which I found to be funny - sitting in a restaurant with our agendas tucked in our purses). It is such a relief to have a friend here. I was beginning to lose hope!

I am looking forward to this week. As inspired by other bloggers, I am going to make a new goal each week. This week's goal is to exercise daily. I know it's something that makes me happy. I am always happy when I feel good about my body.

Have a nice week everyone. Will you take this challenge and make a new goal each week with me?

staycation

Last night I took a little staycation. I went to the Best Western Hotel Belfort and took a little ME time. I lit some candles. I took a long, hot bath. I spread out across the big, comfy bed. I relished in having a tv with a lot of channels. I ordered Japanese food from the restaurant next to the hotel. I just relaxed. I needed to relax. (If you click on the link for the hotel, you can see the link for a map to the right. I live on rue Stractman which is just next to the hotel!!).

My guy met me in the morning and enjoyed the wonderful breakfast spread at the hotel with me. There are beignets, crepes, different kinds of bread, 5 or 6 different kinds of jelly in those cute, little glass jars, nutella and honey, a cheese plate, fresh fruit and traditional French items such as baby pickles, radishes, olives, and cocktail onions. There are plates full of meat and another with a variety of pastries. There are, of course, hard-boiled eggs (yuck!). There is American coffee, an espresso machine, different hot teas, and 4 different kinds of fruit juice. This is how I want to eat breakfast every morning!!! Mmmmm... Needless to say, I was relaxed and stuffed before I headed to work for a few hours this morning.

We are working on something new at work which I find particularly fun. Until now, our clients have always been adults. We invited our clients and others in the area to bring their children to the office today. A colleague and I prepared a lesson for the children - we played Old MacDonald, Mary Had a Little Lamb, and the Alphabet song. The kids were ages 4-8 so they were super cute! Half of them were too shy to speak and the other half were so eager to be the one to speak. Today was just an introduction. The parents watched their children through the glass and had the option to sign them up for a bundle of sessions afterward. Many people were interested, and I really hope I get to teach the class!

Off topic, but check out this link: i love laughing babies. This is super cute. I especially love how the little girl braces herself and gets a stance going when it's her turn.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

embarrassing fact.

I am a bit embarrassed to say this but, I am a HUGE Twilight fan. AAHHH!! It's true. Okay, the movies kind of suck but I couldn't put the books down. In fact, I think I read them all in a matter of 2 weeks. They are such a powerful story of love - strange love, yes, but certainly devoted, unrequited love.

My sister sent me this link today (as I'm not in the US so I'm not experiencing things in real time... example: I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love. on the internet 3 weeks ago and I heard on the radio today it will be out in theater's here on September 24th). So anyway, here is the link for the next movie which I am so excited to see. Unfortunately, the tradition of going with my sister will be broken as I will be here and she will be there, but I refuse to watch it for the first time on my 13" computer screen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uycOpnYnd5g

:) love!!

don't postpone joy.

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I started thinking about my life. I make it seem so horrible when I write on my blog, don't I? Don't get me wrong... some days stink. Isn't that normal though? Life is full of its ups and downs. Life is a rollercoaster, of course. The expression stands true. However, sometimes I think I have more to say when I'm upset/when I'm having a bad day. I have a bad temper and being upset fuels my creativity??? Maybe! I'm not sure about that, but I do know that I am the kind of person that deals with a problem by (excuse the language) talking the crap out of it.

There are some people that like to be alone when they are upset. They don't want to talk about it. They go into a room, close the door, put some headphones on and DO NOT (under any circumstances) want to be bothered. I can't relate to this at all. I'm the girl knocking on the door saying, "Let's talk about it. Are you okay?" For this type of personality, it is not only annoying but almost an invasion of privacy. I don't know what it is that they do - maybe write in a journal or just think or sleep it off... not sure, because as I said, I don't get it.

I want to understand the situation. I want to ask a million questions or analyze every angle. I want to pour my heart out, cry a river, do some research on the internet, ask more questions, call some people to talk some more and get outside opinions, call some more people, write on my blog, send some e-mails asking more opinions, drink some tea, eat some chocolate, and then take a shower. Once I'm in the shower, (sigh of relief) I have finally come to terms with the argument.

I am the kind of person that meets someone and immediately comes home to do a Google search. I don't take things lightly. I am super (can I stress the super here?) sensitive. I have a hard time forgetting but am always very forgiving. I am hard on myself and hard on other people, too. I have a very big heart and expect a lot of people, because I know what I would do for them. I am the annoying person when watching a movie or a TV show that has to try to predict what is going to happen. However, I am also the person that in that same movie theater is laughing the loudest.

I was raised by a woman that didn't do anything half-ass. She is someone that is so wonderful at celebrating the little joys in life. She would celebrate anything she could celebrate. "Congrats on your presentation!" "Your first goal!" "Your second goal!" "Your third goal!" ...and so on. Perhaps it is why I require so much recognition for a job well done now. When I make a good meal, I want to hear some praise. When I'm at work, I want to hear my boss saying I'm doing a good job. When I clean the apartment, I want my guy to come home and notice. Because with my Mom, nothing ever went unnoticed. Everything from a new haircut to a birthday was a big deal in our house. A day never passed by without kind words or a celebration from my Mom.

I think she has created such a high standard. When I had my first day of work here in France, honestly, I expected my guy to give me a little celebration. OK, I'm 25 and maybe I should grow out of this, but I love celebrating life's little moments. And, I am so thankful to have been raised by someone who made me think the sun was shining out my ass. Life is so precious, so why not celebrate it with the ones we love? My Mom could be a spokeswoman for unconditional love.

So in the end, what I am trying to say is... I am very lucky. Perhaps I write more about the bad days, but maybe it's because on the good days, I am far too busy relishing all the happiness to find time for words. I am loved. I am living in a wonderful city in FRANCE! I am an educated woman. I never postpone joy.

rainy day blues.

So my guy's sister needed to borrow our car. I wanted to be agreeable and generous about this, even though I didn't love the idea. I said, yes, take it and I can walk to work - no problem.

Little did I know, it would be pouring raining when I would be walking to work. Yes, just my luck. I woke up, got all dressed up, and did my best to try to feel pretty (which just isn't something that I have been feeling lately). When I noticed the crappy weather (1.5 hours before I had to leave), I texted my guy to ask him if his brother could take me to work. I assumed he would. My Dad always said, "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." Duhhhh. I should have known it would never happen and my ass would be walking.

Thirty minutes before I had to be at work, my guy messaged me via G-Chat saying his brother was sick in bed. This pissed me off to no end. Okay, so now thirty minutes before I had to be somewhere at least a thirty minute walk away, I would have to walk there. I would have to book it to make it on time.

I know maybe it's being selfish when I think like this, but I just wish some things could be a bit easier for me here. It's not easy to communicate. It's not easy to work a job I have no training in. I spend all my time away from work preparing for work. It's not easy to be away from my family. It's not easy to have no friends. And, it's not fun to walk thirty minutes to walk in the pouring rain!!!

I sat at work for seven hours in soaking wet shoes, with hair that looked like I rolled out of bed (after I spent the time to wash and dry it), with makeup smeared over my face. I was ten minutes late on top of it.

Sometimes I just want to scream. Give me one day where I can breathe freely. Give me one night when I can be alone with my guy and not have to entertain his family. And, please, let me look in the mirror and like what I see.

a message to the men in the world.

picture taken in Orlando, Florida 2009. it makes me smile!

Guys: When you say you will be home at 8pm and stroll in an hour and a half late, the fried shrimp - the shrimp that your lady spent time deviening, battering, and then frying - will not be good anymore. Whether you know it or not, it is an actual science trying to get dinner prepared and the house straightened up (after a long day of work) by the time you say you'll be arriving. So when we're tired and weary, but collect ourselves together and bust out a meal, we don't want to sit and wait and sit and wait some more to then finally have to admit defeat and eat our meal (which is then cold) alone. Any excuse you have is just not good enough at that point, because you will never understand how depressing it is eating a meal alone after an hour and a half of waiting.

Guys: The real reason why women get chubbier as they get older is this: we munch on food to keep our growling bellies from being so hungry while we wait for you or we are so hungry by the time we eat that we devour way too much food.

Guys: As much as you think it's not a big deal and say "eat without me," this isn't something we want to do. While it may seem ultra "cool" of you to suggest we do such a thing, we will continue to wait... for at least an hour... in hopes that we can enjoy a meal with you and have that opportunity to relax and share conversation, because we know the rest of the evening only segways into other less communicative distractions such as the television or the internet or returning phone calls.

Guys: Women are sensitive, loving creatures and we want you to be sensitive and loving in return (we won't tell a soul how sensitive you can be!). Paying us a sweet gesture goes a lot further than you think, so surprise us, be kind to us, and show us you love us just a little bit better (because we know you do!).

total immersion.

After my months locked up playing Miss Havisham, I am officially getting the total immersion here in France. Get me a beret!!

I'm driving a stick, sitting through a day of work in French, meeting people with names I have to phonetically jot down in my notebook... STOP: Did you read that!? I am meeting people!!! I don't care if I can't pronounce their names or I can only laugh at their jokes after someone else does because I don't totally understand, I am meeting people and that makes me so happy.

Life is getting a little bit better everyday, and I just wanted to share my news.

In other news, have you seen this? You can take the girl out of America, but you can't take the American out of the girl... so I guess that makes me cool. I'll take it!

my favorite chocolate cupcakes.

I promise I'll stop talking about cupcakes (one day!).

Here is the quick, easy, and delicious recipe.

Chocolate Cupcakes (Vegan, too!)

Ingredients:

 1.5 cups flour (use white, brown, or a combo)

1/3 cup cocoa powder (the good kind)

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup sugar

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1/4 cup melted butter or margarine

1 cup cold, brewed coffee or espresso

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

Preparation:

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F.

2. In a mixing bowl, add the dry ingredients and mix together.

3. Add the remaining ingredients to the dry ingredients. Add the vinegar last. Whisk ingredients together right away and stir until smooth.

4. Add the cupcake batter to your muffin tins (if you are using metal, you may need to spray with cooking spray before adding the batter. if you prefer to use cupcake liners, that's fine, too.)

5. Bake for 25-30 minutes (depending on your oven). 

6. Set aside to cool before icing.

Chocolate Frosting

Ingredients:

2/3 cup powdered sugar

1/4 cup cocoa powder

1 tablespoon plain soymilk (or other milk substitute)

1 tablespoon margarine, softened

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preparation:

1. In a mixing bowl, using an electric hand mixer, cream the powdered sugar with the soy margarine until mixture is thick but well combined. Add the milk, cocoa powder and vanilla, and continue to mix until smooth.

2. Voila! It's that simple! Stores well overnight, too, if you'd like to keep it in the fridge and save for dipping your strawberries in it like I do :)

stupidity? fatigue? anxiety? you choose.

So last night, I had a major freak-out after work.

Let me preface this by explaining the dynamic in my office. There are six people employed at my location. Of the six of us, one is an office manager. The other five of us are teachers. Between us, we teach English, Spanish, French, and German. We each have a key to the office. The office manager isn't always there. We each kind of come and go as we please. If we have a class there or we need to take a book, we stop by. Sometimes we have classes there and other times our classes are at a company's office. At any given time, we could all be in the office or you could be alone.

I had never been there alone at night. At one point during my lesson last night, it occurred to me that I was all alone with this man. I got a little nervous until I realized that this scrawny man would be no match for this scrappy Jersey girl.

After he left, I grabbed a few books to take home, checked my e-mails, and then turned off the lights and cleaned up around the place. I set the alarm. I locked the door and walked out to my car. I went to leave the parking lot, only to see that the security gate had been closed and I was the only car left in there (besides the cars owned by the enterprises within the premises). I began to panic. I was locked in! I had a class at a company thirty minutes away at 8 o'clock this morning. How would I get home? How would I get back to my car and to this other company by 8 the next morning?

I began searching for my cell phone only to realize it was dead. This was turning into a nightmare. I felt stranded. I had to park the car, go back into my work, turn the security alarm off, and then use the phone to call my only saving grace - my boyfriend. He couldn't really fathom this scenario as it was only 8:15 in the evening.

Me: (crying, heavily breathing, acting like a total baby) I am locked in my work.
Him: How is that even possible?
Me: They put the security gate up, and I can't get out.
Him: You're kidding, right? (followed by a lot of acronyms like OMG and WTF) Is there a number you can call?
Me: That would mean I have to walk back outside and look.
Him: And your point is? Just go do it. Then, call me back.

At this point, I march outside and search for a number. I call the number and in the worst French possible explain to them my problem. In English, the man on the phone says, "Did you drive your car up to the gate?" I am actually offended by this, because of course I did. Didn't I? At least, I thought I did. "Madam, if you drive your car up to the gate, the sensor will open the gate."

Too embarrassed that I didn't attempt to do this before, I opted not to call my guy back and once again set the alarm, locked the office, and finally made my way home. I charged my phone upon my arrival. I was surprised to see that my guy wasn't home. I received a call not five minutes later. He had borrowed his brother's car and had come to rescue me. He was concerned when he arrived and didn't see the car there. Oops. I guess I should have called him back! But, nice to see he would come save me if I ever get "locked in" my work again. Or was that my only SOS and I wasted it!? Shit.

Moral of the story: I need to take a breather and chill out. Before attempting any obvious resolutions, I jumped right into total freak-out mode and was imagining where I would sleep in the office and if there was anything vegetarian in the fridge.

love me latte.

It's been far too long since I've had a latte. That's all I am really thinking about today. Honestly, it's all I have been thinking about for two months now. Because that's how long I've been back in France. And, it's also how long I've gone since having a latte.

Two months without a latte might not seem tragic. Really, it's something only my nearest and dearest friends and family could understand. I definitely spent more money on lattes than booze in college (only partially because the ratio of lattes to booze as far as dollars is concerned is 1:4 - meaning that for every 1 latte I purchased, I could purchase 4 $1 drinks at (where else) Indigo.

When people argue over "wasting" money on a $4 latte, I let that nonsense talk go in one ear and out the other. A latte is not a beverage, it is an experience. I long for a nice, quiet moment where I can sit back and people watch or read a book and slowly sip on this delicious treat.

All of my college career, I was a vegan. In the middle of Pennsylvania (meat and potato heaven), it is not easy to come by vegan restaurants like it was in NYC. A latte became more than a caffeine jolt and more than an experience for me during those years, it was my sweet fix. Some crave ice cream or cake, and I craved a latte. There is something so delicious about a latte with soy milk, too, so don't knock it before you try it. Soy milk has a thicker texture which makes the latte taste so much creamier and decadent.

I don't know why I am writing this right now, because all I am really doing is torturing myself. Meanwhile, I am stuffing my face with yet another batch of chocolate cupcakes - this time, topped with coconut flakes and a side of fresh strawberries (I already ate 3 today).

If I can't have my sugar fix in the form of a latte, then by golly, I will continue devouring my cupcakes.

I need to share the recipe!

(re)learning the English language.

I spend much of my days struggling with learning French. However, now that I have begun teaching English, I have found that I need to learn this language all over again. Okay, I wouldn't be able to have a blog or communicate at all if I didn't know the basics (and then some), but I need to learn, say.. 7th grade English all over again.

I am embarrassed to admit that I love writing and I always considered myself to be somewhat of a grammar and spelling snob, and I can't explain why I would say "I am going" vs "I will go." Is it active or passive? Or is it future perfect continuous or future continuous? And, when it comes to past tense, is this verb past participle or past perfect? Uummm... I knew that once. I believe.

Teaching English is a lot more difficult than one may think - especially when most of the time I don't know the word it translates to in French. I like the challenge though. I think it will be great for me to improve on my English. It will certainly help me to understand French with a greater capacity.

I like anything that gives me the opportunity to better myself. Gaining a better grasp of my native language is something I should already know and understand, but since I've realized that I don't, I welcome the opportunity to gain this very important knowledge.

One day when I have children, I hope I can emphasize to them how important education is. No video games for them! I guess my parents were on top of their game.

Stay American, Baby.

After my last depressing post, I am feeling a bit revived. We hosted our first American BBQ and to rave reviews! We had some of my guy's family over for an All-American cook-out last night. Sure, it would have been a bit more fun tailgating and cheering on the Big 10 and bouncing around to Zombie Nation, but I'll take what I can get... and the company was good!! It was a really nice night.

We were all set to have the BBQ on our outdoor terrace which was really the biggest selling point for us on this place, but just as we had the tables set and the candles lit and the BBQ fired up, it started to pour! Just our luck! We love entertaining outdoors, and we do it almost every night. We are getting good at working as a team (in tight quarters). Entertaining his family daily is also the perfect motivation to keep this place clean. There is always someone coming over here, and I never want to get caught with the place looking like too much of a hot mess. 

My guy really let me go all out yesterday (I had him feeling bad after my last post. However, it's not him - he just can't fill the void for EVERYONE else!). He patiently took me to FIVE stores to get all the ingredients I needed. He didn't complain while I spent two hours making an apple pie thus forcing him to clean the bathroom and sweep the floors. He didn't mind when I spent some of the precious time I could have used cutting the potatoes for our now "famous" french fries to decorate my mason jars as I had seen here. 

Sometimes I need to sit back and take a look at what I have. I need to be more accepting of this challenge. It is never going to be easy to be away from my loved ones, but I am fortunate to have shelter, a job, the chance to see the world, and people who love me right here. I have to remember that when I complain about being away from the people I love, there is someone right here who loves me that I am hurting. I can't always have everything I want right at my fingertips, and maybe the saying "it doesn't hurt to try" isn't always true. I am hurting myself and others by trying.

My last post saddened my family and friends that can't be here. And, it hurt my guy because it made him feel like he'll never be enough. Let me be clear when I say that I am happy, but sometimes life gets you down. Sometimes the only cure for me is a day playing dominoes, scrabble and yahtzee for hours on end with my Mom and Aunt or a day at the beach with my best friends. And vice versa, sometimes nothing comforts me more than a lazy day watching movies with my guy or watching him suck wind as I run circles around him (joking joking... maybe!!).

I will soon get used to all the changes and will adapt to life across two continents. As my friends work more and save more and when my father retires, there will be more visitors; and in time, I will make friends here, too. Maybe now I feel like my heart is being stretched in different directions, but I think I should consider myself lucky that my heart is so big and has the capacity to love so much.

Now that I got all the mushy stuff out of the way... here is a recipe for perhaps the most American thing you can think of... Apple Pie! I adapted this recipe from a whole bunch of recipes, and I promise, it was delicious! The hardest part of making this is sitting and peeling, slicing, and coring the apples as that was a bit tedious. I used apples that my guy picked himself when we were in Besancon.

Apple Pie

Ingredients:

• 2 - 9 inch pie crusts (store-bought or homemade)
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter (I, of course, used the vegan stuff)
• 5 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons maple syrup
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 8 Granny Smith apples - peeled, cored and sliced

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add syrup, white sugar and brown sugar, and bring to a boil. Reduce temperature and let simmer. 
2. In a bowl, mix half of the sugary mixture with your apples.
3. Place the bottom crust in your pan. Fill with apples, mounded slightly. Cover with a lattice work crust (this is my favorite part!).
4. Gently pour the remainder of the sugar mixture over the crust. Pour slowly so that it does not run off.
5. Bake for 1 hour.
6. Let cool at least an hour before you eat. It allows the sugary mixture to form a gel rather than be too runny.

Follow the directions exactly and it's fool-proof!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! I'm back to more cleaning and more entertaining!

the week is over.

(photos from the past two weeks)

it's been a long week, but it's finally over. i can't help but missing home and my family and my friends. when it comes to the weekend, and i have no one to go grab a coffee with or someone to see a movie with or some ladies to go dancing with, then, well, i can't help but to be a little somber.

there are so many ways an afternoon with my mom or a best girlfriend can cure me. i know these little rendezvous will be full of laughter and smiles, secrets and gossip, stories reminiscing about the past and others sharing hopes for the future. we will give each other advice. we will comfort each other. these are things that i just cannot do from afar.

i know i can't replace my friends or my family while i am here, but i just wish i could have someone here. it's so hard to do these things with a language barrier. i really need to concentrate on practicing my french, because the longer it takes, the lonelier it is.

so with that being said, it's friday night. i am laying in my bed writing on this blog. i'm not complaining. life isn't always supposed to be exciting, but i could use a little bit more laughter and a lot more hugs.

have a nice weekend everyone :) ...full of laughter and hugs (or whatever it is that makes you happy!)