needless to say, my house has been a complete mess. for the first time in a long time (since college), i don't even mind. okay, well, i didn't mind until tonight when i realized, it's getting out of hand. but back to when i didn't mind... although i love nothing more (i'm not exaggerating when i say this) than clean sheets, i went a few extra days. although i love clean floors, i think it's been over a week since i mopped them. i love when everything is in its place and organized and when i can't see dust on the light switches. i love when my cords are tightly wrapped around the appliances not in use and when my makeup is neatly lined up in its drawer. i love when i have 5 clean dish towels for backup. i love when the laundry basket isn't more than half full.
lately, i haven't cared. i want to come home, turn the lights off, light my candles, eat dark chocolate, and relax in front of a show that fills me up with hope. it makes me smile and cry. it just makes me feel good. this may seem really strange, but sometimes we need to laugh and cry and be filled with hope - no matter what it is that brings us to these emotions. sometimes we need to see the light. sometimes we need to know that we're not alone - we're not the only ones scared, worried, filled with doubt, and dreaming.
it's like that quote... the famous one from john lennon... "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." and, it's so true.
i spend so much time setting expectations and trying to meet deadlines and worrying about where my life is going and what my future has in store for me that i don't take the time to just be me. i need to stop thinking - not only about the future but about the past. actually, the past more so than the future. i need to let go. i spend so much time being angry about the past and worried about the future that i make the here and now really crappy.
i'm living in france! i live in a town that may be quieter than i am used to but it's colorful and romantic. it has history. why can't i just be happy with that? i am too busy complaining about the lack of starbucks to be happy with the delicious bakeries and the pedestrian-filled streets, and the great fortress that sits in the middle of the town. it really is incredible.
so who cares if my laundry basket is overflowing. i am living and feeling. i am so in love. i am so lucky in love. yes, he has hurt me. but i need to finally forgive and forget and move on. it seems silly but when i look at my guy (even when i am mad or pretending to be mad), i just want to hug him and get lost in his love. i know that i mean the world to him and he means the world to me.
from this moment, i am opening my eyes. i am seeing the world. i have a lot to do. i have a lot to see. i'm just getting started. and, my very best friend will be there with me.
oh, and my very best girl friend (!!!!!) asked me yesterday to be her maid of honor. so i'm just full of love. she, too, means the world to me.
i guess i really am lucky in love. sometimes in relationships going through hell isn't so bad if you come out of it a little stronger. and, i never was one for boring relationships.
tonight i've turned off felicity, turned on some beautiful music, lit my candles, and i will get this place together. and, when my guy comes home, i will tell him just how much he means to me.
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