life.

Time has been flying by and there is so much to do before April. First thing on that list would obviously be finding an apartment. Next would be working a ton to save money up before I leave my job. Third would be the actual move - packing, unpacking (maybe.. I could always leave that part for someone else ;) haha kiddddding), arranging, rearranging... but I honestly don't know if I'll have time for any of the moving. It will be something fun for me to throw myself into when I get back. I hope that this is a space we are able to make ours for a few years. I want to paint and decorate and have our own things and feel at home somewhere.

My dream apartment has the following: old, hardwood floors, classic lines, bookshelves built into the walls, a fireplace, a double sink (heaven), exposed beams on the ceiling, a bathtub, a kitchen with a lot of counter space and the ability to set up stools so we can sit and have conversation in between the chopping and the cooking, a little beauty nook - makeup vanity (it is sooooo annoying to try to put on my makeup or dry my hair while my guy is trying to shave or brush his teeth), and windows... a lot of tall windows. Oh, a terrace would be nice. I also really like having a big living room. It makes it easier to entertain guests and I love to entertain guests.

We are having a hard time finding an apartment that is old and classic while still a bit modern (not an old kitchen). We have found either old apartments that look old or newer apartments that are trying too hard to be modern but in a very cheap-looking way. I am confident we will find "the one" soon.

In the midst of all that is going on here, I am also really looking forward to going home mid-April. I always love spending time with my family. Although I miss them all the time, there is something a bit more... romantic, sentimental, heart-grabbing, about only having so much time with them when I see them. I feel like it's a constant race again the clock. I want to soak up every minute with them. I don't want the alarm to sound telling me my time is up. I don't think we cherish the time we spend with people enough when we see them all the time.

There are a lot of people I am anxious to see. It isn't fun being here without girlfriends, and I think it's about time we drink some champagne and dance on tables! Who's in??!! ;)

Did I mention I will get to spend a few weeks in sunny Florida with my best friend in the world!? Walks, bike rides, shopping, watching the dolphins from the comfort of home (!!), sunset drinks at On the Edge, FRESH fish sandwiches, more shopping, apple strudel at the market, the BEACH, and so much more with my Mom. I always loved and was proud of her a TON before but she has lost 50 (!!!) pounds and looks like her high school superlative winning self (class cutie woo woo!!!). She is such a babe, and she radiates beauty on the inside and out. She has inspired me to get my butt in gear and get exercising. She really is just an amazing person.

So that's all for now. I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend. I made homemade chicken pot pie in mini casseroles for the first time last night and the judge gave it two thumbs up! When I asked him if it's something he'd like me to make again, he pointed to the plate he had licked clean! :) Winning!

What I'm listening to right now... I really love this song.

sunshine.

What I'm listening to right now:













So life has been crazy these past two weeks. My Uncle (who was like a brother to me) unexpectedly died. I flew home the next flight out. The time was wonderful spent with family but it was so busy. Every day was filled with running a million errands and every evening was spent with the whole extended family. I had to make a collage for the services and prepare and practice the eulogy. There wasn't enough time in the day - pair that with jet-lag and just being sad about the circumstances, it was a hard time. I was so happy to be with my family through this time and really would have regretted it if I didn't fly home. As upset as we all were, it was amazing to ring in 2012 with my whole family together. We aren't often all together in the same country let alone the same state. The circumstances that brought us together were and still are heartbreaking, but it was a wonderful time with family, regardless.

My Mom, "a snowbird", now spends her winters in my parent's condo in Florida. She had already planned to leave the day after the services. She was going to cancel but my Dad convinced her that she should still go. She didn't feel right about the whole thing since I would be home and there were still a lot of loose ends with dealing with death stuff - so my Dad said, "What if Kaylan flies down with you? Would you do that, Kay?" Well, I don't know anyone that would turn down a trip to Florida.

After the services and the gathering after, my Mom and I headed home and packed our bags for Florida. We left early the next morning. I spent Tuesday afternoon through Saturday morning with her there. We had such a great time. I ate a lot of yummy fish sandwiches and coconut shrimp and cajun fries. We made homemade guacamole with freshly picked (huge) Florida avocados. We had a lot of time to talk and read and shop and to relax!! It went by too fast.

Saturday morning I was flying home after one last apple strudel sitting by the water. I flew directly to the airport in Atlantic City where my Dad picked me up. We stopped for a late lunch, and then we drove to the airport in Newark where he unloaded me and I was off to Europe.

I had one of those crazy, exhausting trips. I just about missed my flight as I went to the wrong terminal. I was bringing my skis with me and a huge suitcase and a rolly carry-on as well as a big overnight bag. After discovering I was in the wrong terminal, I had to lug all 4 of those bags to an elevator then to an air tram then to another elevator and then to the Continental check-in desk. I, of course, at to redistribute the weight in my overweight bag which really made me angry. The bag is allowed to be 50 lbs. I had to pay $70 for an extra bag (the skis) that weighed like 20 lbs. Doesn't it seem like my bag weighing 60 lbs should be OK then considering I actually paid for more weight? No, so there I was unloading everything while sweating and freaking out because it was now 35 minutes before my flight was leaving and I hadn't gone through security yet.

I arrived at the gate just as the last few stragglers were piling on the plane. I had a layover in Paris and then for some odd reason (booking a last minute flight) I had to go to Frankfurt and then back to Switzerland/France. By the time I got home last night, I had been traveling for more than a day.

Am I exhausted today? Yes. Was it all worth it? Yes. I'll share some pics tomorrow.

we have been numb here from the loss of my uncle. he was only 47. today we had the services for him and were overwhelmed by the more than 300 people sitting in the pews of the church. my aunt and i each wrote and read a piece of the eulogy. people laughed and people cried. i laughed and i cried. it is never easy to lose someone, but there is something about sadness bringing people together that always warms my heart. i hope that wherever my uncle is, he was able to see how loved he was and how missed he is.

what i'm listening to right now: (my dad and i are sitting silently - he's grading papers, i'm packing my bags - and we're listening to a wonderful mix of the beatles, johnny cash, bob dylan, van morrison, and other talents)

good night, friends.

proof.

You see that picture. That is proof that I am home, in the United States, in New Jersey, with my family. I'm drinking some American coffee and have already polished off two whole wheat everything bagels (I'm not proud of that!).

Of course, I am here for circumstances that are making my heart very heavy. Our hearts are aching but I am comforted by being with my family.

There's no place like home.

What I'm listening to right now:

it's what's on my mind.

home.

i feel home when i see the faces that remember my own...

i feel home

and that's just what i feel

home to me is reality, and all i need is something real.

a Penn State sunset

a sunset boat ride on the Toms River

a sunset on the Toms River

two wonderful people on a night of celebrating

the same two people on a day of celebrating and laughing

a wonderful hike in Happy Valley

Seaside Park <3 the beach of countless happy days

hands down: my two favorite people.

Jojojojojo!! :) sitting outside Madison Square Garden

with my parents in Times Square drinking the drink I need NOW!

Jor and I watching Penn State kick butt in Illinois!

do I need a caption?

my little cousin (not so little, actually!) Grace

home.

I think I lack the design gene. I have no sense of how to make a place look good. When I see blogs about creative spaces and beautiful homes and how to make the most of a small space, I love it... but it's not something I've ever tried to replicate. I don't go out thrifting. I don't see a chair on the side of the road and instantly create a before and after image in my head. My apartment came furnished, and that made my life easy. It was somewhat of a relief.

But, I long to be able to create a place that's really mine. I feel home here, but I want to add touches that are mine. With how much I have moved in the past few years (see below), I have been reluctant to really delve into the creative me that yearns to try (and perhaps fail) at creating a beautiful home. I'm tired of the sleek, black IKEA furniture. I want different shapes, different textures, different colors. I want an apartment that looks lived in, rather than rented. I want to replace this "painting" on the wall (the one that came in the furnished apartment, the one that says "rock it punkrocker... yeah....). I just don't know where to start. We don't have the money to do a total apartment overhaul, and I'm afraid if I buy one piece then by the time I have the money to get something else, I'll be over that first purchase. And then, there's always the thought of moving... yet again. We chose this furnished apartment because we didn't know how long we'd be staying here, and it was SO easy to move.

Since graduating from Penn State in May of 2009, I spent 15 long weeks living in hotels around the Northeast while doing field training for my job. I was finally put at a permanent location and moved to Long Island, NY (specifically the sleepy town of Commack). After receiving a promotion three short months later, I moved to the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn, followed by a short stint in Jersey City, and then here to France where we lived in a hotel for two months before moving into our apartment. Needless to say, I loathe moving and it has forced me to cut down on my belongings each time.

Do you totally move into a place? What I mean is, for you renters out there: do you paint? do you make the space your own? Or do you keep it simple knowing you'll be moving out in a few months or a year? I don't like this anxious feeling of not knowing where we're going next. Some people thrive off of that kind of excitement, but me,  I just want to start nesting!

adjusting.

I am finding it somewhat difficult to adjust to life in France. I am happy here, really, I am. However, it isn't as easy of an adjustment as it was for my guy when he came to live in NYC.

I try to explain this to him, to make sure he understands just how different our situations are, but sometimes I just don't think he gets it. And, I don't know why I have this burning desire for him to get it. What does it matter anyway? I guess I just want to hear him say, "Yeah, babe, I'm sure this isn't easy."

I think I finally succeeded in getting this out of him tonight, but I'm still not completely content with his agreeing because I never wanted him to agree or cry mercy and say it, I guess I wanted him to go out of his way to say, "You're brave. You're strong." Something like that...?

When I told him today that my Mom's Facebook newsfeed was buzzing after she posted that I was starting work and driving there with a stick-shift for the first time, he kind of laughed. And, when I told him her friends were commenting how brave I was, he laughed again. This kind of annoyed me.

You see, my living in a foreign country is a big deal to my family, our circle of friends, and well, obviously, to me. He, on the other hand, has been living away from home since he was 13. He went to a sort of "boarding school" on a scholarship for handball (an actual sport - not just something we play in gym class) for the French equivalent of 8th through 12th grade. He studied in schools all over France for university while playing handball professionally. He studied abroad while playing professionally in Holland for a year. He had an internship in Morocco and played for the Moroccan national team. He worked in NYC for a year...

So you see - living in different places is no big thing for him. For me it is though... I am out of my element. I went to Penn State University - 4 hours from the home I grew up in, the only home I ever knew, the home my Dad built with his own two hands in New Jersey. I moved to NY after college where I began working... you see the pattern here. I was never more than one state away from my home, let alone on another continent entirely. It is very hard for me to be away from my support system - here I have no family or friends.

When he came to NYC to work, he already spoke English. I'm learning French as I go, while I am here. He came to the USA for a job working in the industry he loves, and I can't even begin to try to find a job doing what I love until I can speak enough French to do so. In the meantime, I have been fortunate enough to find a job but I am so 1st day of Kindergarten nervous. This job is out of my comfort zone (nor did I spend over $100k on my education to do something else entirely).  It is only women that work there and women can be so cliquey. Will I be the oddball? Will they sit around the table eating their baguettes and speaking in French while I sit there alone? I am sure I am over-thinking this whole thing, but I can't help that I am nervous.

Not to mention that to get to work, I need to drive. Our vehicle is a manual. Trying to learn to drive stick has been an experience on its own. My guy has ZERO patience. I cannot accept constructive criticism. Plus, I'm kind of a big baby. Pair us together and learning has been, well, not so fun. Finally, yesterday, we went out twice. I think we were really successful!! It finally clicked for me (much easier to learn when his veins aren't popping out of his skull with frustration because then I really can't take him seriously).

So in the end, I don't know what I'm waiting for.. a prize, a nod of acknowledgement, or maybe it has more to do with me. Maybe I, myself, am looking for the satisfaction I need to feel acclimated to life here. I need to be the one to study my French harder, to not be afraid to go out and meet people, to join a running club or a yoga group. Maybe I need to open the doors to my tiny, lovely apartment and stop acting like Miss Havisham, locked up in here, afraid of the unknown outside my doors.

the summer of my dreams.

Summer so far has been wonderful. It has been everything you could ever want in a summer... full of laughter, relaxing days, days at the beach, rainy days watching movies, sunrise and sunset walks, filled with family and friends, BBQS, shopping, and sun-kissed skin. All of these things make me so happy (and everyone feels better with an extra boost of vitamin D)!

Here I am now... back in France after a month-long vacation home at the Jersey Shore. I spent the majority of my time home with my mom which was just... words can't describe... so great! I had the opportunity to see family from my mother's side I hadn't seen in years and my uncle I hadn't seen since 2001. I went out to eat twice with my dad's side as well as 2 birthday parties and an early 4th of July BBQ. I spent many hours with my favorite Aunt Bonnie playing day-long games of Dominoes and Yahtzee, watching movies, and just joking around.

I frequented my new favorite Toms River restaurant, Water Street. The coconut shrimp with jalapeno jelly for dipping were so good that I literally would wake up after having dreamt about them. It became a bit of a joke within the family, mocking my obsession for these shrimp... but after trying them, no one could deny just how good they really were.

I had the pleasure of seeing a few great friends, two whom traveled a few hours making it a point to see me. One of them, my great friend, Liberty, even took me out driving stick to prepare me for driving in France which was almost pee your pants funny! I was so nervous that I was sweating! I met an old college roommate for dinner in NYC and felt so refreshed after seeing her. I missed laughing with her and talking about boys. I missed seeing her! I drove up north twice to see an old friend from high school. When we see each other, it's like we never missed a beat. I like that.

I am so thankful for all the wonderful memories I made while I was home. I want to make everyone who made it a point to see me, and I especially want to thank my parents for their hospitality, unconditional love, and their last minute patience during my packing saga (overweight luggage...ugh). I miss everyone already.

However, this is going to be the summer of my dreams; I just know it. I want to think of my time at home as a wonderful blessing, but I have so much more to come still this summer (like a romantic beach vacation with my guy in the south of France next week!!).

The past year has been somewhat of a nightmare for me, truly the worst year of my short life thus far. I thought this nightmare would end and then when I'd feel it would surely end, I'd get an encore performance and then a grand finale and now, finally, I feel like things are calming down. I want so much to find peace in this life, and I feel like I am finally on the right path.

             ...So maybe this summer of my dreams is a fresh start, a chance to forgive and forget, to accomplish new goals, to get myself in the best shape of my life, to feel good inside and out, a chance to be happy.

checking in... again.

I know, I know... I have been a terrible blogger lately, but let me assure you that I have good reason. While I haven't been blogging, I have been living!

I started this blog as a way to keep in touch with my family and friends back in the states while I was abroad. Now that I have been back in the states, I have really been checking things off my to-do list! And, for once, besides a few mundane tasks like going to the DMV and getting my Visa taken care of, the things on my to-do list have been FUN! They range from shopping to seeing friends to spending a whole day on the beach. And, even the not so fun tasks like going to the DMV became not so lame when we combined it with a day in the city.

The first day I went for my Visa, I drove into the city with my Mom. She waited while I went in the consulate and after we had lunch in Chelsea and just hung out together! The second time I went back for the Visa, I took the bus into the city, enjoyed a day of sight seeing, and met a very dear friend for a dinner date at Cafeteria followed by some iced lattes and a lot of conversation. I felt so refreshed after seeing her. She is such a kind, loving, beautiful person both inside and out. I missed her!

Life has been so enjoyable. Almost a month has gone by now of me prancing around New Jersey and NYC. There haven't been too many dull moments - family visiting, friends visiting, meeting up with friends, shopping, a lot of exercising, and trying to make it to all my favorite restaurants.

Being home is surely a vacation. I love the walks with my Mom, the dinner dates with my parents, seeing my best friends, days at the beach, reading good books, driving my car with the windows down, and soaking in the sweet summer sun. There is something relaxing about being here (that something is that my Dad doesn't work in the summer, my Mom is retired, and I am currently retired, too!). It's nice to not have to rush anywhere. It's nice to have no where to go and to fly by the seat of your pants.

Of course, the longer I am here, the more my heart aches for the guy waiting for me back in France. And, although I have truly loved every minute here, I am anxious to see him. One more week here in NJ and I'll be back. The only thing I can do to pass the time is ENJOY EACH MOMENT!! That's exactly what I intend to do. On that note, I'm off to read a book and sit in the sun.

Seaside Park, NJ

dinner on the Toms River

the steps of Madison Square Garden

dinner on the Point Pleasant beach

the show we saw on Broadway

home.

I arrived home Wednesday night after a very long day of traveling. My parents and my aunt picked me up at the airport in NYC. After, my sister met us at our favorite restaurant in town, a place where we always see people we know. I was greeted by an old friend who immediately said, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be in France?" Followed by, "We were just talking about you last weekend."

It's nice to be home and to see familiar faces. I love that I can call the people I want to call without even looking at the phone because they are numbers I have dialed so many times before. It's so much better than using Skype and talking through the computer. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for modern technology. I love that I can video chat with my family and friends; but it's nice to pick up the phone and do it the old-fashioned way.

I really do have the best home. We're an hour from NYC, 45 minutes from Atlantic City, an hour and 15 minutes from Philadelphia, but even better than all that - we're 5 minutes from the beach. There is something truly unique about growing up by the beach (oh, and truly wonderful!).

Plus, who wouldn't want to live somewhere where delicious bagels are plentiful!? I, of course, had my first whole wheat everything bagel yesterday morning. I got to sit with my mom and eat our bagels and strawberries and enjoy conversation over that (yes, weak) American coffee that takes me 30 minutes to finish sipping. 

My mom, sister, and I then went for a nice walk at the beach. The sun was so hot - reaching over 100 degrees (38 C). I put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time since September. We looked at the amazing beach front homes and gossiped about the crazy Facebook statuses people put up (among other things).

My mom took me to the Olive Garden for lunch! We love their all you can eat soup and salad. Yummy! Don't make fun of me. I know the soup comes in a plastic bag. I know it's not made fresh on premises. However, I do know that they work really hard to get their flavors right (because they have an expensive food lab at Penn State where they were constantly perfecting their tastes, textures, visual appearance, etc.). They now offer flatbread as an add-on and my mom and I had the caprese flatbread. It was a little too salty but still delicious. We ordered fancy lemonades, too.

We then engaged in a marathon day of shopping! I went to the dentist. We went out to dinner and had delicious Italian food. We came home, sat on the couch, and were asleep by 9pm! We had intended to watch a movie but last night delivered a crazy storm that showcased powerful thunder, loud cracks of lightning, and a power outage that left us movie-less.

It was such a wonderful day, my first one home.

i'm coming home

It's true. My 90 days as a tourist in Europe have come to an end. I feel like it flew by, but some days felt like they'd never end. I transitioned from a job where I worked a lot and commuted, too, to not working at all. I transitioned from talking to my friends during my commute to having a 6 (and 7) hour time difference so we've had to make "chat appointments." I transitioned from seeing my family all the time to obviously not seeing them at all (although it was a nice break from life here to visit my aunt and uncle in Italy).

Can I say that I am relieved to go home? Yes. I miss so many things about home. My heart aches for the comforts of home. I also can't wait to eat at my favorite restaurants (first stop: Office Lounge!!) and to see my best friends.

But does it mean I'm willing to give up on my life here? I don't think so. Everything here is new to me. Every route I run is new. Every person I meet is new. My future job is going to be something totally different than what I was doing in NY and NJ. There's something exciting (and scary) about all this newness. And, I know that no matter where I am, my friends are family will always be a part of me.

The bottom line is: I know that no matter where I am, I can find happiness in my life. And, that's exactly what I am after.

Lately.

I have neglected to blog lately because I've been so busy! It's no excuse and I promise I will be a better blogger from this day forward. With that being said, I'll fill you in on what I've been doing lately.

Lately, I....
*started a new job in a new place
*moved back home with the parents
*have been apartment hunting online and around the NYC area like crazy
*saw a few great movies (see the next post)
*spent Thanksgiving weekend with my love, my parents, and my favorite aunt, Bonnie
*contacted a few old friends and made plans for dinner and such now that I'm back home in Toms River
*Christmas shopped
*received an early birthday present from my parents - Wii!!!!! :)
*walked around the shops in Bryant Park and postponed my plans to go ice skating at Rockefeller Center because of the insane line... maybe this week?
*started to really feel like an adult and realized I need to find some more direction in my life so I can be blissfully happy... suggestions?
*realized I need to get my butt in gear and start fundraising for Friends Across Borders - please let me know if you'd like to donate ($15 is enough money to send 1 child in Morocco to school for a year, including transportation and we have a tax ID number now so you can write it off!!) **contact me at kaylanreabold@gmail.com
*also realized I need to get on a work out routine which means eliminating my exhausting commute!
*have vowed to be a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better niece, a better cousin, a better friend, even a better sister! Whatever it takes.