instant pleasure

Coming to France has been such a life-changing event. When people ask my parents, "Why is she in France?" And they say, "Chasing a boy." It's irritating to me. Sure, I came here because of someone, but to me, it was more than that. It was the hope of something new - a chance at a better credit score ;) kidding (a little!). Really though, I just wanted to see life on the other side. What would it be like to live in a strange place? What would it be like to be forced to speak another language? What would it be like to be immersed into a new, different culture. So here I am figuring that all out. Did I come here with someone? Yes, yes I did. However, if I was chasing anything, I'd say it was a dream. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet in any situation, in any place, and maybe even with anyone. "Chasing someone" or chasing something... I guess you can interpret it how you'd like, because even I'm never sure.

Everyday brings a new dream for me. I'm the girl that changed her major five times in college - nutrition, communications, education, landscape architecture, then finally HRIM (hotel, restaurant and institutional management) - and my final decision actually ended up being closely tied with where I started. What does that tell me? In time, all things come back around? I don't know. I'm just following the road of life, and I seem to swerve a lot and hit a lot of things (not so far from my actual driving skills) but in the end, I'll reach my destination, right?

Life is full of so many emotions and sometimes it seems more than I can bare (anyone that knows me knows I am a big crybaby). I just want to believe that there is some purpose for everyone. That it will one day be clear to me what my purpose is. I'm not content with just being. I never thought I'd be the person to have a job that I go to that sucks the life out of me. I want a job that fulfills me. I want to be fulfilled. I know, deep down, that when I find what fulfills me, I will understand my purpose. I know that what fulfills me will be something that will leave other people fulfilled. We all want to be needed. I want to be someone that someone else needs, wants, desires. I mean... like a person so badly wants to read a good book, eat at a good restaurant, look at beautiful pictures, watch a good movie, be entertained at an amazing event, see an awesome concert... I want to entertain fantasies... What fulfills you?

Maybe, as people can so easily criticize, maybe I want too much. Maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe I am impossible to satisfy. Maybe I am difficult and emotional and always searching for more. But what would the contrary be like? I cannot imagine being okay with the mundane. I much prefer to entertain my wildest fantasies, to reach for things beyond my reach, to dream within a dream. I don't think I will ever be okay with staying in one place and doing the same thing and living the same dream. I crave change and movement and new things. I want to see new faces. Routine scares me. Every time I get into a routine, I want to run. I envy people in their quiet nests with their ducks all in a row, it must be nice, but oh how bored I would be.

And so, I've reached that point yet again. I'm here. I need to dive into something new. I'm stir crazy. I'm anxious. I'm bored to tears. I'm pacing. I'm thinking. I'm searching. I'm complaining. I'm hashing and rehashing. I'm dreaming. I'm trying to find something to capture my attention. What is it? What is it that I'm searching for? How do I know? When will I know? Where is it I need to be? What is it I need to do? These white walls are so confining. I want to burst out of here.

Ehhh maybe it's just the cold weather. What do I know. The only thing I do know is this town really sucks. I look at the faces of people here and think, what kind of creatures are you? It's a robotic, simple life. It's small and people are narrow-minded. Everyone with their cigarettes and their baguettes and their dogs shitting all over the streets. Little robots. How can people live in a place like this? You have to drive to find grass. Even in NYC, there is a massive park wedged between buildings of overwhelming size. In little Belfort, dogs shit on the street because they don't have grass. I understand now why places like this have crime and prostitutes, well golly, what the heck else is there to do?

Huh, I've got to go. I'm bored just writing this. Are you bored reading this? Are you still there!? Ha!

Here's what I'm listening to right now: *a song less about sex and more about finding pleasure!
(the best line: you in the traffic for all eternity, how can that speed be where you want to be?)